


I hate to love you

by aprettyboy



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Other, mostly angst but happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:01:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23436598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprettyboy/pseuds/aprettyboy
Summary: I based this off a fanart I saw about Lucifer dealing with his feelings of pride, of not being able to tell you how much you really mean to him, and it kind of breaks because he holds his pride in until the very end, until he can't anymore. I'll link the fanart at the end, gender-neutral pro-nouns, I hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 121





	I hate to love you

_ I hate to know you.  _

I hate to see your face entering my mind, completely invading it, without my permission. 

Fate is cruel. 

All these powers and spells in the vast knowledge of my brain, yet  _ nothing _ could detect and dispel your place in my heart, slowly growing. y/n, you were hiding where I could not see you and before I knew it, you were nowhere, and then suddenly everywhere. 

I try to avoid you, and then I don’t. No matter what I do, you’re always there. We’re miles apart, yet even the ink that I spill on the paper, going to pick it up, reminds me of your selflessness and kindness. Of moments like you not wasting breath to pick up the coffee I spilled on the floor. 

Why would such a simple act make me think of these moments? 

Moments like these that slowly added up one by one. I had my guard up. You wanted to get close to me, I merely saw your intentions as threatening. There was something else that you wanted, but it wasn’t the case at all. 

I hate it. 

_ I hate to know you. _

I’ve been up in the human world countless times, seen many humans, greedy, arrogant, selfish. 

That’s what most of them are, even their most righteous acts having an underlying and selfish reason. 

Yet, I’ve also seen those who have gone against the grain. Humans are inherently unique and yet, at the same time, all of them are essentially the same. In my eyes, they posed the lesser threat out of every creature I've met in my life. 

Out of all the beings I met, even more powerful than you came across,  _ you  _ were the most powerful one of all. 

How? Tell me how you could break this wall I've covered, brick by brick, never stopping, ensuring that absolutely no one could break through and see me for what I really am? 

Even as I sit here writing this, it boils my blood, leaving me in a confused and angry state. And, yet, I don't have the strength to ask you. What's the point? I know the answer I’ll get, I know the type of words I'll receive in the end that will make me fall even more. 

Your kindness. Your  _ kindness _ y/n. It breaks me.

No. My pride won't allow it.

To let you know, let anyone know OF such a simple feeling THAT was able to capture a hold of my heart. Release it from its thickly bonded chains. No, you can't know that your kindness, everything about you was able to easily unlock all the keys to those chains.

You're cruel. You're cruel and you don't even know it y/n. 

How could you crawl into my heart and sink your talons deep into it. Such an angelic bird having such a deathly grip. My heart hasn't bled this much in hundreds of years.

It's painful. Painful to know how much I care for you. If only you were a witch, would it make some sense, but you aren't.

You aren't a witch, but you flash that kind and innocent smile day after day, even though I'm what you should fear. That warm smile that envelops my heart each day. Dangerous and blinding.

You aren't a witch y/n, but that smile is completely bewitching.

I loathe it. 

I can't bear looking at it, yet you flash it in my face every time I see you. 

The smile that reaches your eyes. The smile that never falters, not even when I seem to be talking about a topic I figured you would find boring and uninteresting. 

Yet, you kept your gaze. I knew you knew nothing about the topic, but you made yourself interested. And, like a fool, I indulged. 

I gave into this smile, the smile that says so many things without it being said. That it wouldn’t judge a word that came out of my mouth. A smile that was inviting. It pulled me in like I was under some kind of spell.

It wasn’t a spell, it was just you. 

It almost drives me mad, how the days have passed.

That I wake up each day, roaming the halls, hoping that I bump into you. Waking up, looking at my phone in hopes that I have received a message from you. Day after day, my heart starts to yearn more and more to see your smile, to see you.

I hate it. I pretend to run away. I pretend to keep my distance, but my feet are walking backward towards you and I'm trying to pretend like they’re moving away from you. 

But they aren’t. I can’t escape it, y/n. 

Even before this, I’ve tried to ignore you. I buried myself in my works, mundane tasks that had no real importance, yet I pretended as it did. Anything to avoid you, anything to not face this feeling, anything to run away, but as I did, I realized that it was entirely too late.

Without you, I found myself feeling cold. It was such a desolate feeling. This...piercing loneliness that started to grow in my heart when I couldn’t see you. 

You’re cruel. So cruel.

When did I come to depend on you, y/n? When did I come to depend on the warmth of your smile, the loving nature of your eyes, the kindness of your actions, even the gentleness of your touch?

So warm. 

Yes, I remember the feeling. The one time I let my guard down for just a couple of minutes, let you know a part of myself that only very few knew. How your warm and affectionate hand touched my cheek. How that same smile reassured and settled my heart. 

Yes, it was desolate, when I sheltered myself away from you, y/n. My bright and burning star. 

Now, without you, my life will seem so dull, uncolored, and bleak. Cold. 

You’re cruel.

Cruel because now I’ve come to depend on the light of your smile, the warmth of it. 

So strong, so powerful, that I found myself smiling when you’re not around. And, slowly, even softly smiling when you were around. Not too much, but my heart felt satisfied and full. 

Before I knew it, you were determining my mood. Many would say for the better, but I hate this power you have over me, even if, deep down, I don’t mind it not one bit. 

How could you be so cruel y/n? Do you know the type of man that has fallen for you? The man who is too afraid to admit anything. The man whose pride constantly weighs him down. The man who would rather destroy than mend. Who would leave things as is, rather than moving forward? You’ve let a foolish man fall for you. The worst of the worst.

What type of brutal punishment have you given me?

I’m sure you know the tale of Icarus. 

Like him, I have flown too close to the sun y/n. However, my wings main intact. I can still fly, but why is it so painful? 

Why does it hurt so much? I lift my hands up towards the sun, towards you, but as bright as you are, I know you’ll go away soon. 

Is that why it hurts so much y/n?

Despite the fact that I may have accepted your warmth, that I want to bask in your sunlight, I know that I can’t forever. Is it perhaps revenge? Atonement for my sins? 

To fall for such a person who will have to leave my sights soon? It’s such a horrible punishment. 

That I can’t see this sunlight for the rest of my life, a punishment that I abhor. 

  
I hate it, I hate it so much. I’m not nearly as strong enough to let you in on these feelings y/n and I’m not strong enough to find a way to keep you by my side. So selfishly, without letting you know why.

Without letting you know that I need you in my life. That maybe my life will be bleak as soon as you finish your year here and the hole that I kept locked up, the hole that you filled with your warmth, will be lonesome and empty when you leave.    
  
How could you be so cruel? How could you do this to me y/n? _ How  _ could you do this to me. 

  
  
  
  


Ah-   
  
Lucifer breaks from writing, noticing the tear fall from his cheek, onto the paper. 

His feelings had been swelling up for the last couple of days, slowly coming to the realization that you wouldn't be here forever, tied to this world like he would. You had your own world, one that you had to eventually go back to. 

A world where other people had seen your kindness first, maybe even fallen in love with you. People who wouldn't be so afraid like he was and eventually steal you away from him. 

Could he let that happen though? 

_ Knock knock knock.  _

Lucifer laughed to himself silently. Was fate really this cruel? 

He knew it was you. There had been no warning that you would come or nothing planned but he was just the fool. 

He should have known and realized. Somehow you always came when he was at his weakest point. When he needed you the most, but he didn’t want you to see how sad and broken he actually was on the inside. 

My pride is too afraid to let how terrified I am and too afraid to let you know how much I truly care for you. 

You knocked and I opened the door. My frown fades away and a smile lights my face the moment the door is opened.   
  
“y/n, what brings you here?”, I ask. 

  
You pointed inside, past him,” can I come in?”

No, you can’t. You can’t come in. He never wanted to let you in, inside his heart, his soul. Yet, every time you knocked he opened. Every time you spoke, he caved to the sweet honey-like tone of your voice. Every time you touched him, he melted.  **No,** you can’t come in, please don’t come in anymore because each time you do, there's a part of him that never wants to let you out. 

There is a part of him that wants to grasp your wrist every time you leave, pull you back,  _ hold _ you. The part that wants to beg you to stay because he needs you. His hand grips the door tighter, you don’t notice, but he can’t let you in. This time, he doesn’t know if he would be able to let you go. 

You shouldn’t be trapped with a coward like him.

“Is it urgent y/n? I was writing up something for Diavolo. We can always speak another time,” he smiled. God, it was so fake. 

_ Please come in, come in, please, I need you right now. _ That’s what his heart was yelling, but he would suppress it as much as he could.

You, on the otherhand, had to say exactly what was on your mind. 

You stood your ground,” no, it has to be now. Recently it seems like something is up and you’re not telling me anything. I won’t let you run away this time, so let me in,” your eyes were stern, yet shaky. It was still Lucifer you were talking to after all and you were nervous, but you couldn’t ignore it anymore and your thoughts went wild. You had to talk to him and alleviate your worries. 

You walked closer, moving your hand up and placing it on his chest, your voice softened” if you’re going through something alone, don’t. I’m here so,  _ please _ ...let me in Luci.”

_ No no no no. Go away, go away. Can’t you see how dangerous it is y/n?  _

Not only was he afraid of trapping you, but he was more afraid of you finally tearing down his wall, completely and fully. As time passed, you kept picking and picking, seeing into him little by little and you were just one pick away from Lucifer completely crumbling. 

_ Don’t let them in Lucifer. _

But He did.

How could he not? How could he deny those glossy eyes looking at him, bearing into his soul, moving his heart as you pleased? How could he say no to your gentle touch and soothing words? He couldn’t...he was under your spell. So, he gave in. His heart won.

“Okay...come in, just let me tidy up a bit,” he said, moving back to let you in.

Once you were in, he walked over and closed his diary, tucking it away in his drawer. He watched as you walked around his room, looking at it. What were you doing? You had seen it many times before.

He gulped, holding his breath. Was he supposed to initiate conversation? He didn’t know. How could someone make him so afraid?

Again, you were cruel, teasing him like this. He watched as you walked up to him, wrapped your arms around his waist, then placed your head against his chest. 

Lucifer held his hands up in the air, not quite knowing what to do with them. Or rather, what were you doing? He tried to open his mouth, the urge to push you away, but he didn’t. Again, he gulped. You could definitely feel his heart, pounding wildly against his chest. He was confused, but he wasn’t going to deny it.

“ you’re not fine. I think I know you well enough to know. I...don’t know whats wrong but..I see it, you know. You look at me in the eyes, but there's always a slight hesitation. You listen so well but I can tell that your mind is elsewhere,” you closed your eyes, placing your ear against his heart,” I can hear it. Why are you so stirred up? You can tell me.”

Ah….why were you so cruel? Lucifer lifted his head up, blinking at the ceiling. He was struggling to keep his wall up and you were just one push away from breaking it. 

Even as you asked him this question, no words would come out. He could lie, but he knew it might prove futile. 

Why was he so desperately holding onto his pride?

“y/n I….”, he trailed off. He what? Lucifer was a man who always spoke with such eloquence, almost always knew what to say, but now he was at a loss of words. Say what? 

I’m so close to breaking, but I’m so afraid to even let out a drop of a tear.    
  
That even if I give in and let just one drop slip out, the dam might break, and my tears will stream down my face without my control. If that happens, how could I face you? 

If that happens, there will be no turning back. For you will have seen me at my weakest and most fragile point. There is no turning back from that. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to ever let you go because I wouldn’t be able to show this face to anyone else but you anymore.

So, please, you can’t leave. I wish I could be selfish, but my pride won’t even allow that. How does Mammon do it so easily? I wish I could eat you up, but i'm afraid of devouring you whole, how does Beel stay so calm? I wish I could lust after you properly, as Asmo would, but how could I try to taint your pure and perfect soul even more?

Being the demon of Pride, it was painful. At the end of the day, anything and everything came down to his pride, it was what he had been most proud of. Yet, his pride was what he hated most in the world now. It restricted him in ways he couldn’t see possible. 

He had been too into his head that he forgot that he still hasn't replied, but you did. 

Again, taking away what little breath he had to begin with.

“Lucifer I...I know it’s hard, to sometimes voice out what you’re feeling. But there's no need to be afraid of me. You know I won’t judge you, no matter what you say, I’ll always listen. You mean so much to me and I hate thinking of you suffering alone by yourself. Any burdens your carrying please…”, you pulled away from his chest, looking up at him, glossy and shaky eyes burning holes into his own,” let me help you carry the load. Let me help you shoulder your burdens. Leave your pride at the bedside table and just let me do what I want to do. To help you and care for you, stay with you and help you find happiness. Lucifer…”, you lifted your hand up, placing it gently on his cheek,”if you won’t let anyone in, at least let me. Let me make you happy.”

Lucifer’s wall started to shatter. He closed his eyes, feeling the remaining pieces left to this wall he built melt away by your words, trying to hold in his tears, but water was bursting against his dam, he didn’t know how much longer he could hold. 

_ Bang Bang Bang. _

It was banging against his chest. Telling him to just give, let all his pride wash away, if even just in this moment, if even just for a couple of seconds. Why was he so damn stubborn?    
  
Lucifer held you, rather tightly. You could feel him trembling, because he was. He was still trying so hard to not let go, his eyes shut tight, teeth clenched. 

Why couldn’t he just let go? He knew holding it all inside was painful. He knew that merely writing down his feelings had no effect anymore. Yes, he knew that if it had to be any other person in this world he would rather show his weak side too. If there was any other person he had to show his tears to, reveal all his underlying fears, truly show how pathetic he had been all this time, it would be you.

If he had to choose...he’d choose you. Over and over again, he’d choose you, because all he wanted at this point was you, so why was he so afraid to admit it? Even if it kept you close by his side, no matter how much pride he threw away, did he really need all of that?

Ah….his cheeks felt wet? Had something been poured on them...was y/n screaming? Were they crying for him? They even had tears to shed for the man who called himself Lucifer, the demon of Pride?

Wait...no.

He felt you hug him tight. 

No...those weren’t your cries. They were his own. Oh...how could be he stupid, to not recognize his own crying, had it truly been that long? That he couldn’t recognize the wetness of his cheeks was due to his tears, falling uncontrollably. That he couldn’t realize that this shaking and trembling figure was him. That, no, you weren’t the one clinging to him so tightly, it was him, clinging desperately, afraid of you leaving, afraid of you looking at his tear-stained face. 

“ah...ah..AH!!..damn it....”, he wailed, almost yelling, burying his head in your shoulder.

_ I’m so sorry y/n. I'm so sorry you have to have to hear this lonely and shameful man cry his heart out. I'm sorry you had to see just how dependent I am on you. Stay by my side, stay by my side please. _

No words came out, Lucifer only started to sniffle, choking on his own cries. 

They would stop, yet more would only fall as you rubbed his back, speaking softly in his ear. You were tearing up as well, but you were more focused on Lucifer,”even humans, we break. We pretend to not be sad because we don’t want to burden anyone. We try to handle things for ourselves, but even we break Lucifer. We must cry, its not good to hold that all in. so let it all out, who knows how long you’ve kept it in. it's just me and you here,” you couldn’t help yourself.

Of course, a couple tears fell, but you were sure he didn’t notice, too focused on his own crying. 

He was clinging to you so tightly, like a baby.

As if you were going to leave, is that what he was trying to say? 

“Luci I’m here, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll always be here for you. You mean the world to me…”, you gulped as you pushed on his shoulders a little. He almost didn’t budge, still clinging to you. It pained you to see him shake, you wanted to know what he was really terrified of. 

You pushed again. 

“Lucifer….look at me..”, you said again. This time, he pushed away. He met your eyes for just a second, before he glanced away. Your hands went up, thumbs wiping away his tears.

“What are you so afraid of?”, you asked. 

Lucifer looked at you again, then looked down, shoulders dropped. He couldn’t bear to look at you, but he had at least collected himself a little bit to speak,”of...of admitting how much you mean to me. That your smile...and your face is like an everlasting poison, coursing through my veins. That you’re like...my bright and shining sun. Yet, everytime...you leave, my night is cold and eternal…”, another tear left his eye. 

You rubbed it away, then leaned up, to press a soft kiss on his cheek. 

Your lips were so warm, gentle, it almost made him want to cry even more. 

“That this...that I'm completely entranced by your warmth, your gentle touch, your sweet smell, your soothing voice...I’m afraid I’ll lose it all...because of my Pride. Because I couldn’t let you know I-”, the word got caught in his throat, mouth open. Another tear fell down his eye.

Will he just admit already? He had already come this far, there was nothing holding him back anymore. Lucifer closed his eyes, leaning his cheek into your touch again, feeling your thumbs, yet again, wash away his tears. Yes, that's exactly what it was. 

He opened his eyes again, this time, looking at you, really looking at you. 

His hands went from around your back, to your shoulder, then to your cheeks, gazing into your eyes. 

Lucifer’s thumbs rubbed away your own tears. You were crying for him, he knew and he was so grateful. 

“y/n I...I love you. I..do. So much..”, Lucifer closed his eyes, moving his head down and pushing your foreheads together. He spoke again, and you could feel his words on your own lips, the breath reaching it.

Your heart started to pound, not realizing that was how close he was to you. 

Out of all the times you spoke now was the time your voice decided to hide away? You were just surprised to hear it, those words come out of his mouth, words you had wanted to hear for a while because you felt the exact same way.

After a minute of silence, you finally mustered up enough courage,”I..love you too Lucifer.”

You felt his shoulders relieve their tension, sensing a lighter tone in his voice,”is that so? That...makes me happy.”

He opened his eyes again. They were different. Definitely different.

They weren’t the same pained eyes that had been looking at you minutes ago. They weren’t the same eyes you had seen these past couple days that were empty and not there.

No, these eyes were striking, bold as if you could see a spark. They were staring at you, filled with love, and that small smile that lit his face was for you. This was all for you. It made your heart tremble out of embarrassment, not knowing how to handle it, but you couldn’t glance away from his gaze.

“y/n…”, he spoke, ever so softly, thumb caressing your cheek.

“Lucifer…”, you said back. 

He started to lean in more, stopping as his lips were mere inches away from yours, so that when he spoke your name, you could feel the ghostly touch of his lips,”y/n…”, he said again. He said your name, but you knew what that meant, you knew that was what he was asking you, if he could kiss you, without directly saying it, so you gave him permission.   
  
_ “Lucifer.”, _ you said,then closed your eyes. 

That was all he needed. 

He closed the distance between your lips pressing his own against your, connecting them.

Lucifer was taken in by the soft warmth of your lips, being transferred to his own. The kiss was unmoving because he wanted to take in the feeling. He had been wanting to kiss you for a while, a desire held in his heart. God, he really did love you so much. He could feel his own heart drumming against his chest.

He pulled away for just a second and spoke,”y/n..”, he whispered, then connected your lips again. 

This time, he pushed and you parted your lips so that he could move his in between them. Your lips melded together, moving slowly against one another. Your stomach was doing flips and twisting at how soft and delicate his touch was. It was a slow continuous kiss, yet you could feel the longingness, as if he wanted to do it for a while. 

Every time you moved back just a bit, only because you felt like your knees might give in because of how hot you were feeling, he would suck on your lips, pulling them back in between his own. It was a feverish kiss, but you felt incredibly good and you finally felt satisfied. 

Eventually, you let yourself cling to his shirt, eyes closed, letting him control all the movements.

After what seemed like forever, Lucifer finally pulled away, leaving you breathless and panting. 

Lucifer looked down at you, licking his lips, as if he had just finished up a good meal. 

You were at a loss of words now.

Lucifer smiled, and then he chuckled, letting out a hearty laugh.

“Looking at you now, having let everything out...it all seems so trivial now y/n,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

You wrapped your hands around his waist, smiling as you looked up at him,” your feelings are never trivial Lucifer, they matter, but I’m glad you’re feeling better. Even if the same dears arise, I’ll be here to help you through them, no matter how many times”

Lucifer placed a hand on your cheek,” y/n, you know, you’re just asking to get locked up by me…”, he teased, or was he really?

Still, you answered back,” you have it all wrong Lucifer, I already handcuffed myself to you and threw away the key a long time ago.”   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twt @samaichii!
> 
> FANART: https://twitter.com/stelIarstelle/status/1244987649233846274?s=20


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